Jim Fisher

This may come as a shock to some of you but I’ve been in jail for 6 months of 2021. My mom (rest her soul) said this would eventually happen if I didn’t mend my ways. Like all inmates, I’m innocent, I swear. The problem is that no one will listen to me. I’ve begged and pleaded to no avail. The problem is that the “people” I am yelling at do not exist. The jailhouse guards are AIs and they are simply stupid--which is a word I evidently need to banish from my vocabulary.

AIs are “artificial intelligence”-- little computer programs that poorly interpret the nuances of human language. The name of my prison is “Facebook Jail,” and I am an unrepentant prisoner.

My downfall started innocently enough at the end of 2020. I received a warning from Facebook that something I posted BACK IN 2018 violated their terms of service--well past the statute of limitations. The offending post was an innocent, satirical joke that the Facebook AIs mistook for bullying. Anyway, I received a 3-day ban for that post and was evidently placed on some sort of terrorist watch list.

Back in March, I took a trip to California wine country. I woke up at my normal 5:30 am which was 3:30 California time. Long story, but coffee wasn’t available until people woke up so I passed the time by logging into Facebook whereupon I immediately read something stupid. Well, being caffeine-deprived and of ill temperament, I typed, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever read.” I immediately received a notice that my account was blocked from posting for 30 whole days for “bullying.” Grrr.

I tried to do better. I thought I was reformed. But, after a month or two of good behavior, I evidently posted “hate speech” when I said, “White people are just dumb.” In my defense, this was a response to a person of color asking, “Why do white people yell “BAH BAH BAAAH!” while Sweet Caroline plays?” I have no idea why we do that but it’s dumb and very white. Another 30-day ban.

I am currently serving yet another 30-day sentence for posting, “He was a horrible person and I enjoyed watching him die.” I mean, I get it, Facebook does not want threats of violence on their platform but Jonathan Randall really did deserve death. In my defense, I was answering a question posed on a Facebook Pop Culture group that asked, “What movie/TV character was so hateful that you were glad to see him/her dead?” Jonathan “Jack Black” Randall was a character from the TV series Outlander. If you’ve watched that show, then you know why he deserved to die. But, again, the AIs did not understand the reference so I was banished again.

I don’t really have a point with this article except to warn you that AIs are the future of online computing and they are very dumb. Also, you’re singing Sweet Caroline in your head right now, aren’t you? 

Jim Fisher owns Excel Computer Services in Florence. Reach him at www.ExcelAL.com